Goodbye

We’re standing together on the grass, you’ve wandered slightly to look at something that’s caught your eye.

I have to say these words before they crush me, I have to stop this burning in my veins. Being close to you is like near an open flame.

You’re beautiful.

You make me burn.

“And I heard it, I heard your pain and I felt some part of me die because I couldn’t save you. I promised you I would save you and I couldn’t. Sometimes the weight of life crushes me and I feel like I’m drowning in all the emotions around me, but you are able to balance me, to help me back up. When you needed me, I wasn’t there. I failed you. All the words in the world failed me when I needed them, every time I needed to step up, I couldn’t do it. The words are failing me now.”

You look at me with that smile, the shy one that sends my pulse racing in its uneven rhythm. Your eyes are telling me to go on, they give me the strength to take a breath, another.

“How can I say it? Saying I love you is a lie, because I don’t. Saying you keep my heart beating, my lungs breathing makes me sound like I can’t live without you, but I lived without you before and I will have to again. Not want to, have to.”

You step towards me, your hips rolling in the way that’s always been enough to make the world stop for a moment, long enough for me to see you, really see you.

Close enough to touch, close enough to taste... I can’t help myself.

For a moment, the world stops.

And in that moment, you press your lips to mine in the same gentle way you always have, the slight hesitation, the slight laugh at my surprise.

Your lips taste of salt, our tears mixing together with the hot rain until I can’t tell the difference. The air is sharp with ozone - there’s a storm coming.

I raise my hand to cup your face, but you’re gone.

“I’m sorry.”