Experiences of Dating with a Disability

The other day, one of our society members asked the group how they go about online dating, and how to bring our disabilities into the conversation with the people we meet. This sparked a very interesting conversation, so here is a quick round up of some of the responses - some of which have been edited with clarity and given the green light by our members.

Online dating can be a Nightmare

“I could write my memoirs on online dating alone and fill the library! I don’t usually tell them until I get to suss them out a bit. Someone who’s worth having won’t really care, but in my case, 99% of men were only bothered about whether it affected bedroom stuff! It takes me quite a while to know if I like someone anyway.” Shelley

“Stick a [disabled logo] in your bio and bring it up casually. To be honest, I wouldn’t want to speak to someone who is going to have an issue, so I’m really upfront about it.” Sarah

Finding the right time to share a disability information is tricky – especially in the age of internet dating. Mention it too early and you can come across as too much work, mention it too late and risk being accused of lying. Many of our members have struggled to find a balance between openness and privacy. In the end it can very much depend on the nature of your disability when you choose to share that information with your potential partner.

One Like One Respect!

“I guess I’ve never ‘dated’ as such so it’s hard for me to say, but I’ve never done online dating. I think it’s because I have a lot of baggage and I don’t want to be seen as a fetish, or a project for a man with a saviour complex who wants to ‘fix’ me.” Molly

Fetishisation and Saviour complexes are big issues when it comes to dating whilst disabled. No one wants to feel like a charity case whose date is using them for social media validation. We’ve all seen the “uplifting” news stories of disabled students being asked to the prom “despite their disability/illness/personal barriers”. It can make it hard to trust that your partner actually likes you for who you are.

Questions

‘What if you have a seizure whilst having sex?’ is the most common question. The answer is very simple: stop.” Sarah

Whilst having questions is completely normal, many times dates can cross the line with inappropriate or uncomfortable queries that they’d never ask an able-bodied person. Questions like this can also bring up traumatic experiences that a person has had.

As a Society we want to reiterate the point that if someone, able-bodied or not, is not in a fit state to consent to any form of sexual activity, then anything that could have happened or was previously happening needs to come to an end. Dating with a disability can bring some unique challenges, but as with everything else, it is possible to find ways to overcome them.

Yes, I'm still Disabled

“I’ve excused myself a few times with ‘Sorry, I’m late to pick up my crazy pills!’ Try having five kids as a single mum - they see that as a bigger barrier than my pill popping.” Shelley

“I’ve had some weird dating experiences. One guy got mad at me for signing in public because it embarrassed him. Another broke up with me in the ambulance.” – Sarah

A lot of people forget that the reality of living with a disability extends past the diagnosis. A lot of the time there is a lot going on behind the scenes that people don’t realise when they start dating someone new. It can be very frustrating when your new partner doesn’t understand that just because they have arranged a nice date for you doesn’t mean that you are physically or mentally able to attend no matter how much you want to. Symtoms aren't going to disapear and in some cases they are going to get worse. If you can't handle them now please move along.

Finding the One

“I knew my current primary partner was great when I told her I had to cancel a date because I was wheelchair bound and had no help. An hour later, when she saw a post on Snapchat about how my legs hurt too much to make pancakes (which I was craving) she sent me some on Deliveroo.” Carla

Whilst no person is defined by their disability – it will play a large part in their life. When dating a disabled person can’t just look for a compatible personality but also someone willing to learn about things they may never have thought of.

Dating is always going to have its ups and downs. Finding a partner as a disabled person can be particularly tricky, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t worth looking for.