Dear 14 Year Old Me

This is part of the 'Letters to My Former Self' Series.

Warning: Contains discussion of seizures and deliberate harm

Dear 14 year old me,

Right now you are excited to be starting a new year of school, looking forward to seeing friends after the break and wondering who you have as your new form tutor. You have no idea what’s about to happen and in a lot of ways I wish I could protect you.

It will start off as a bit of a joke. You’re going to get confused going places, not remembering where you were or why you are in a completely different building from the one you remember. Then you walk into a couple of walls. It’s still funny so you brush it off. Next comes the shortness of breath, your head spinning about and not knowing what is going on.

Then one day in class you’re going to stop. Stop being able to move, stop being able to make a sound. It will take a few minutes for anyone to notice. While you watch frozen you’ll see your class panic and your teacher call an ambulance. You’re going to be terrified.

Then it will keep happening.

Sometimes you’ll freeze in place, other times you’ll fit on the floor. Hours once spent learning will be spent in a hospital waiting room, hoping against hope someone will tell you what’s actually wrong with you.

Eventually you adjust. It becomes routine – have breakfast, go to class, have a fit, go back to class. You stop calling an ambulance. In some ways they scare you more now.

Later you will be told you’re having non epileptic seizures. They are caused by stress/hormones/age/gender/faking/overstimulation/anxiety…eventually you’ll realise the doctors don’t know either. You get a lot less sympathy now. Your classmates have realised if they shine a laser pointer at you they get to leave early to make space for the paramedics.

The high school year book vote you ‘Miss Sleepy’. Sometimes you find it funny.

GCSE’s are coming and you can barely stay upright in class – no one knows how to help. Your parents try to help but they can’t magic it away. Sometimes you wonder if it’s worth even trying. You have 30% attendance.

Somehow you get though – when you’re older you won’t remember how. I think sometimes the brain lets memories fade to protect itself, and these memories aren’t ones you’ll be desperate to keep.

You might think I’m telling you this so you’ll be afraid; so that you’ll protect yourself and wrap up cotton wool. Actually I’m telling you the opposite.

I’m here.

I’m okay.

It was terrifying and awful but it made me brave. Braver than I would have ever been otherwise. I learnt what was actually important. I learnt that it’s the moments in life that make it special. That I have an amazing support network who wants me to succeed and be happy. I not only got through my GCSE's, I eventually got into University. I recently celebrated 200 days seizure free, the first time since I was your age. My life has taken a completely different path than I expected, but it’s mine and I decide where it goes.

So chin up, you’ve got this.

Love 21 year old you